


Dearest Future Beloved

by lunapillie



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Donghyuck is a good roomie, Emails, M/M, Time skipping from high school to college to beyond, mentions of depression, renjun has a lot of feelings, yangyang is vibing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:00:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23070574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunapillie/pseuds/lunapillie
Summary: Renjun figured that since he fits the stereotype of a depressed, slightly suicidal teen, he’s allowed to take ideas straight from shitty dramas.Including creating an entire email account full of his most romantic feelings for someone he’s never even met.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Liu Yang Yang
Comments: 10
Kudos: 138





	Dearest Future Beloved

**Author's Note:**

> This was requested by @/softforyangyang on Twitter! Enjoy this Charlee it nearly killed me 😹😹
> 
> I hope everyone else enjoys as well 💕
> 
> Also a warning!!! Towards the end, Renjun is experiencing some dissociating, so if that’s a trigger then please proceed with caution!

Renjun figured that since he fits the stereotype of a depressed, slightly suicidal teen, he’s allowed to take ideas straight from shitty dramas. 

His therapist had suggested he start writing down his feelings in a journal in order to get them out there and out of his system. But for him it just wasn’t enough, he was scared someone would find the notebook even if it was hidden underneath his bed in a box. That and the feelings he was writing down didn’t feel final like his therapist told him it would. To him it just felt like an extension of his mind, like he was just moving rooms, though in this case he was just moving it from brain to paper. 

While watching a teen drama one day after school (an attempt to stop boredom and negative thoughts) an idea was presented to him. Writing unsent emails to get your feelings off of your chest. Though obviously this protagonist was writing some love struck letter to an unrequited crush but those were just details. Of course he took that idea and just expanded on it, instead of the emails being unsent, he would just make an email to send them to. If he wrote himself emails, and hit send, it almost felt like he was writing to someone else. Something in hitting the blue ‘send’ button just felt so final, and even if he didn’t get a response back he felt so free for the first time. 

Of course his first email was just called “bigsadrenjun69’ and the emails weren’t that long. Sometimes he just sent one word, whatever he was feeling that he couldn’t share with anyone else or just couldn’t say out loud. 

One night he was having an episode, and decided to pass the sleepless night by scrolling on social media, as people usually do when this is an issue. People were seemingly also having an emotional time, only for them it wasn’t sad feelings but lovey-dovey ones. It made his own heart pang with the need and want to have someone he could write sappy things about for everyone to see. Actually he probably wouldn’t post them because it would be highly embarrassing, but the point still stands. 

What would life be like if he had a significant other?

Renjun laid there and thought about it, feelings bubbling in his chest. Immediately he lifted his phone to his face and opened up his email app, ready to write his feelings away. Though something stopped him, these words didn’t feel right just going to his sad account. 

And thus ‘romanticrenjun69’ was created. The address name made him cringe so bad but it was too late to take it back. Plus it was just a place to dump his romantic thoughts, no one was going to ever see it. Ever. 

He didn’t think too much more about it as he typed away, a streamline of words that would surely make him gag at the horribleness if he reread it later. 

“God this is such a stupid idea,” he muttered, finishing up the sentence he was on and hitting the little arrow to ship it off. 

Suddenly he felt too tired to think further on it, and just fell into a dreamless sleep, which was more favorable than the alternative. 

——

_Dear Email? Me? Someone?,_

_Welcome to email v2, though I guess you would’ve never seen v1 because all that stuff was way more depressing. This might be a little depressing too because I’m spewing my feelings to no one but pretending someone will be reading this. Whatever, let's just pretend I’m writing to someone who might love me one day._

_Hey, so let’s rewind to why this all started, my therapist (who is pretty smart) seriously annoyed me with this idea she came up with. She told me to keep a diary! If you looked at me I clearly do not seem like the type to keep a diary. Why the fuck would I? Do I look like a sixteen year old female with an unhealthy obsession with white boys???? (I Am Not BTW)._

_Moving on though. My name is Huang Renjun and I guess you’re the person who owns my ass. Oh God, why did I just type that? I mean, you will be owning my ass since I’ll kind of be dating you but like i’m not saying I’m a bottom I mean I am but not like. HDIDIDDJ ANYWAYS. Is it too late to delete this and start over? I guess that would defeat the point of this email though._

_To make a long story short, I unfortunately have the big depression but that’s not new so whatever I guess. Anxiety is there mixed into the mess that is me. I'm sixteen. My mom gets too much in my business, while on the flip side my dad barely knows me. They both think they know best but they don’t. I don’t like them the majority of the time. That makes me sound like such a typical angsty teen ugh._

_I have to go now, Mom’s calling me for dinner. Also, I know I don’t know you right now but I hope something good happens with us._

_Talk to you soon,_

_Renjun_

——

Somehow the whole sending love emails to someone that doesn’t really exist took on a life of its own. After his first few, he was rereading them and thought about how funny it would be to actually let his future significant other read these. It would be highly embarrassing but highly amusing as well, especially since his writing was really bad. 

But when he thought about it further, he realized that he could actually do that if he wanted to. He didn’t have to give it to the first person he dated, but he could give it to whoever felt like, _the_ one. 

However this email address was too awful, he didn’t want his potential forever partner to see it and be like, _“you think the number 69 is funny? Okay we’re done.”_

“Am I seriously going to make _another_ email for this shit?” Renjun let out a big sigh as he leaned back into his mound of pillows on his bed, “Ugh fine.”

Grabbing his phone he went to make _another_ new email address. It was equally as cringey as all of his other ones, but this time at least it didn’t have twelve year old humor. There could be worse names than ‘dearestfuturebeloved’ out there. He just really wanted to embrace this opportunity to live like he’s in a teen romcom. 

Speaking of romcoms, he was making another imaginary scenario in his head that just needed to be typed out. One scenario turned into more and more, some relating and some not. There were some long ones but also some shorter ones, ranging from one sentence to multiple paragraphs. He somehow had a lot more to say than he thought he would, especially seeing as he didn’t really view himself as a romantic person. Guess loneliness did that to someone. 

——

_Dearest Future Beloved,_

_Hey, it’s me again. I’ve been having a rough day. Like mentally challenging. I don’t know why I feel so bad today. I didn’t even get out of bed yet! And it’s like 11:23 am. Luckily there’s no school today so I don’t feel as bad, like I’m not missing anything so who cares? I just can’t find a reason why I should get up. Even if I have a ton of homework calling my name._

_Maybe if I stay here long enough, you’ll get bored and come find me. Kidding, I know I actually have to get up for that to happen. Congrats you just inspired me. Again. I’m getting real sick of this you know. Why won’t you just cuddle me, bitch. Anyways, I’m going to take a shower now. Maybe that’ll wake me from this rut. Bye, love you, even if we haven’t met yet. Soon maybe._

_Talk to you soon,_

_Renjun ❤️_

——

“Should I go to class tomorrow? Like I know this is college and I’m paying for it but I’m so tired and I just want to sleep for the rest of my life.”

“Please, we all know that if you don’t go you’re just going to have an anxiety episode about attendance grades and if you’re missing assignments,” Donghyuck said, not even looking up from where he was rapidly typing away on his keyboard. Clearly writing some essay that was most likely due at 11:59 PM, and it was 9:24 PM if that said anything about his work ethic.

Renjun paused for a moment to think about what his roommate said. What he was saying was completely true, once sleep wore off and he woke up, his brain would restart itself and there was going to be a flood of not so nice emotions.

“If you go, I’ll let you buy me coffee at the cafe~” 

“Why on earth would that motivate me to go to class? My wallet already hurts enough because of you,” Renjun snapped, though there was clearly a playful tone to it.

Donghyuck let out a loud bark of laughter, “Okay let’s switch it then, if you don’t go you have to buy me coffee but if you do go I’ll buy you a sweet treat.”

“The ‘sweet treat’ has to actually be a food or a drink though, you can’t just say that and it ends up being you.”

“I wasn’t going to offer myself up, I’m saving myself for marriage!” 

It was Renjun’s turn to laugh, “Oh no, what am I going to tell Jaemin? He’s been trying to get into your pants since last semester and you haven’t even acknowledged him!”

“Well you’re- wait what?” He paused mid sentence and looked confused, “Jaemin has been trying to fuck me?!”

“Focus on your damn essay before you fail your damn class.”

“Why don’t you focus on your stats homework?” The younger shot back, looking smug as all hell.

“I’m practically done with it! In fact, I think I’m going to go to the cafe to get a snack or something as a reward!” Renjun carefully moved his laptop to his desk before hopping out of his bed. He found his wallet and also his room key (sometimes Donghyuck liked to prank him by locking him out), threw on a jacket, and headed to the door, “be back soon.”

“Get me something!”

“No.”

With that, he left the room, the door banging a little more forcefully than he meant to thanks to the window in their room being open. Stupid wind physics. So he just shouted, “Sorry!” Before heading out.

Luckily, the dorm he and Donghyuck picked at the end of last year for this semester was closest to the on campus cafe and also the dining hall. It was a shitty fake Starbucks that had limited options but it got the job done well enough. So thankfully (since it was cold as hell) it didn’t take that long for him to get to his destination. Another plus was that there were hardly any people at the cafe and the surrounding lounge, meaning he’d be in and out. The thought of his warm bed with the unnecessary three inch mattress pad was the only thing keeping him going as he grabbed a bottled drink from the store’s fridge. 

Getting into the line, he was glad that there was only one person in front of him. However after a whole minute passed of the guy taking way too long to say his order, Renjun’s temper immediately flared up. He just wanted his damn apple juice and bacon, egg, & cheese croissant! This guy was ruining his night just by being slow.

Believe it or not, Renjun wasn’t usually one for confrontation unless it was with his close friends. So when he watched his own hand tap the man on the shoulder, even he was surprised. 

“Uh yeah?” He asked, looking confused.

“Are you planning on ordering anytime soon or can I go in front of you?” Renjun’s tone was neutral but he had a bit of a frown on his face. 

The stranger grinned back, a look very similar to the mischievous look that Donghyuck would sometimes get when he was about to be annoying. Which warned Renjun immediately about the interaction he was about to have, “Why are you in such a rush for? Got a hot date or something to get to?”

Renjun went from a frown to a scowl, he knows very well that he doesn’t look like he could even pull a raccoon to hang out with let alone someone classified as ‘hot’. So he rolled his eyes and held himself back from snapping, “haha very funny. I’m just hungry, and I want to go back to my bed. So either order or get out of line.”

Somehow, the guy kept smiling, he didn’t look mad or offended at all, “Mmm, I’m Yangyang by the way.”

“I didn’t ask.”

“So what’s your name?”

Renjun stared at him for a brief moment, “I’ll tell you if you let me order my damn meal.”

Yangyang hummed, finger on his chin as if he was thinking about his answer, “Hmmm… yeah alright you’ve got yourself a deal!”

Immediately Renjun scooted around Yangyang and went up to the counter where a bored looking student was manning the cash register. They were busy scrolling on their phone and apparently was not even paying any attention to everything that just went down. Which was more than fine to him seeing as he usually hated having eyes on him.

“Um hi,” He called, and this along with his general presence got the girl’s attention, “Could I get a bacon, egg, and cheese croissant? Along with this.” Renjun slid his drink and student ID across the counter, because yes he was using the ‘fake money’ on his card because why wouldn’t he?

She nodded, “Yeah sure.” And swiftly scanned his item before tapping in his order and scanning his card. 

As his meal was being made and he waited off to the side, someone slid over to him. 

“So can I get your name now?”

Why the hell did this guy want his name so bad? But… a deal was a deal after all. 

“Renjun.”

Yangyang hummed and nodded but surprisingly didn’t say anything else. 

  
  


“Yeah this guy was weird as hell, he was standing there not ordering and then wanted to know my name! I don’t think he even ended up getting anything! It’s only the beginning of the semester, he couldn’t have run out of money on his ID,” Renjun huffed, lounging back on his bed. He managed to hold off on telling Hyuck all about his cafe adventures in favor of finishing his math homework so he could actually go to sleep on time. 

Donghyuck smirked, winking at his friend, “Listen I have multiple theories in my head and they all lead to him thinking you’re cute.”

“No one thinks I’m cute shut up Hyuck. Can we get serious please?” Renjun said with a glare. 

“I’ll literally beat your ass, that’s my friend you’re talking shut about,” Donghyuck glared back, jabbing a finger at Renjun. 

They had a stare down before Renjun decided to let it go and just stuff his face into one of his pillows momentarily. 

“What’d you say his name was again?” Donghyuck asked. 

“Yangyang.”

Donghyuck loudly clapped his hands in excitement, causing Renjun to glare at him yet again, because that loud noise scared the shit out of him. Regardless, the younger continued on, “Oh! I think Jaemin knows him! I think they might be friends or something?”

“How does that help me?”

A roll of the eyes. “Well you can ask Jaem about him if you wanted.”

“Yeah well I don’t see a need to, but thanks,” He returned to his form of being on his stomach, face shoved in the pillow. 

“You’re gonna eat those words Injunnie~” Hyuck cooed, only receiving a muffled groan in response. 

——

_Dearest Future Beloved,_

_It’s kind of weird that after this summer I’m going to be in my last year of high school. Part of me is bummed out that I haven’t met you yet, because life is lonely without you. It’s kind of funny, I’m saying I’m lonely without you yet we’ve never met. Is it possible to miss being with someone who you’ve never spent any time with? Maybe, but the only people who get to know these weird thoughts are you and I so who cares if it’s not possible. Maybe you are also having these thoughts about me without even knowing they are about me? I don’t even know if I’m making sense anymore…._

_Anyway, back to high school. I think I’m also glad that I haven’t met you yet, because according to the statistics, most high school couples don’t last. And if they do, they aren’t happy the majority of the time. Could we be the exception? I know that no matter where I meet you, it won’t change how I feel about you. Even if it does change over time, we’ll at least have the old memories._

_AHSHAJAHAJ Literally what am I even saying. I know I tend to get deep a lot but this is AWFUL. When you meet me in real life I promise you I won’t spout shit like this. Unless we’re having a three AM conversation while cuddling. I can get pretty in my head at those times._

_Well I should go, even though it’s summer mom says I should start looking for good colleges. I really don’t even want to go to college but I’m not paying for it so I guess there’s that. Plus maybe I’ll meet you there, so I have to go. Thinking about it, I don’t have any other summer plans besides work so… God I can’t wait for the day we can make summer plans together._

_Talk to you Soon,_

_Renjun ☀️❤️_

——

Snow days were few and far between, because most of the time they just didn’t get enough of the stuff gathered on the ground. However this was the one time where it did happen and everyone was equally excited.

Renjun was also excited though for an entirely different reason, this free day gave him the perfect opportunity to do his mountain of homework that was due in the next two days. Plus he desperately needed to study for an exam that was technically scheduled for tomorrow as long as school was still on.

Of course, his room was not the nicest place to try and get work done. Especially with Donghyuck laying in his bed laughing loudly at whatever video he was watching every three seconds and effectively distracting Renjun. 

“I’m going to go to the study lounge, I’ll be back eventually,” Renjun called, standing at the door and waiting for a response. 

Eventually his roommate noticed him standing there and pulled out an AirPod, hitting him with a confused face and a, “huh?”

This just caused Renjun to roll his eyes, “I’m going to go study. I’ll be back.”

“Okay word, see you,” Hyuck shot him a thumbs up before popping his headphone back in and going back to his show.

Regardless, he made his way out of the room and pulled on his boots that he left outside the door before leaving the building. The snow was up to his ankles as he stepped out, and more was falling still. It was a bit surprising, but Renjun still trekked on, making the five minute walk to his favorite study spot on campus. It was a less used building that had a little corner with some couches, a table, and a handful of computers. Most people didn’t usually come here, and he knew even less would show up thanks to the weather.

So when he got there and there was someone sitting curled up on one of the couches, he was shocked. Because who else was crazy enough to sacrifice themselves to the cold to get here?

Upon closer inspection, he realized he recognized the face. 

It was that Yangyang guy! Currently he didn’t seem to be doing anything weird, just bobbing his head to whatever music was pumping through his earbuds and typing away on his keyboard.

Part of him wanted to avoid interaction all together, but he really needed to get stuff done today. Also as much as he hated to admit it, he was a bit curious about this guy. Not curious enough to ask Jaemin about him because that would make him seem too interested, and he wasn’t.

Carefully he sat down at the table, which was the farthest sitting area from Yangyang’s couch. Luckily the movement didn’t alert the other who was apparently deep in the zone. With that, they both worked diligently on their assignments for the next few hours. Not acknowledging each other, even if it was very likely that one of them didn’t even know that the other was there.

Which definitely turned out to be the case because after Renjun had actually completed a majority of his assignments and was moving on to studying, he heard a shout. The noise caused him to jump and smack his knee on the bottom of the table, making him groan out in pain and grasp his hurt joint. 

“Fuck…” He hissed softly, forehead resting on the table as he rubbed his knee, trying to make the pain go away.

“Renjun? When the hell did you get here! You scared the shit out of me!” Yangyang said with a frown.

“Why are you yelling at me! You just scared the hell out of me and made me break my damn knee!” Renjun spit back, “Also I’ve been here for hours!”

Yangyang’s eyes widened and he suddenly looked sheepish, “Really? And I didn’t notice you till just now?”

“Pretty much.”

There was silence for a moment before Yangyang stood and plopped himself into a spare seat at the table, “I didn’t know you studied here? What are you working on?”

The urge to strangle him was strong, why’d Yangyang have to come over and bother him?

“I could say the same for you, but uh...I was doing some assignments. But now I’m studying for an art history test,” Renjun said, gesturing to his notes. Normally he’d leave it at that, he was all about trying to end conversations early, but he wanted answers so he had to keep going, “What were you working so hard on over there that you didn’t notice me? Not that I’m that noticeable but..”

Yangyang furrowed his brows, probably at Renjun’s last words but didn’t mention it directly, “I was working on a project for one of my major requirement classes that’s due tomorrow, and I just started today so you can probably see why nothing else has my attention.”

“Well if it’s so important then why are you over here?”

The other simply smiled and shrugged, “Breaks are needed sometimes, right? So Renjun, what did you say your major was again?”

“I didn’t say it, but it’s fine arts. I do digital and traditional stuff,” he paused, “What about you?”

Turns out he didn’t get the chance to ask any of the initial questions he wanted to ask, but he did learn a whole lot and more about Yangyang. Like how he was also just starting his third year in university, he was a astronomy major, and his birthday was October 10th. Along with a whole list of likes and dislikes, and the names of everyone in his whole friend group. Both those in and out of college, of course he does not recall any of the names given to him but he can pretend he did.

Renjun was then forced to give all the same responses, and it turns out that Jaemin was indeed a friend of Yangyang’s. It was odd they hadn’t met before but Renjun wasn’t really one for going out, which is usually how the other two hung out.

“You’re kinda cool, we should hang out more!” Yangyang offered.

“I’m assuming you’re just saying that to be nice? Formalities and all?” Renjun said.

“No? I genuinely want to get to know you more? I like making new friends, and I want you to be one of them believe it or not,” he huffed, cheeks puffing out just a bit, “Can I get your number?”

The question gave him severe whiplash and he looked skeptical, “Um…” He wanted to say no, but again, there were probably very slim chances that Yangyang was going to actually text him after this so he nodded, “Okay give me your phone.”

It was swiftly handed over and Renjun typed his number in, changing his contact name to “Huang Renjun” and sending a text to himself so he can get the other’s number as well.

“Sweet, you might regret this. I’m a mass texter.”

“Oh god.”

——

_Dear Future Beloved,_

_Do you ever look at the stars when you’re having a bad day? I do. If you’re wondering why, it’s just because they are calming and pretty. It’d be cool to watch them with you for fun and not because I want to jump out a window to escape my parents._

_Honestly they have been leaving me alone recently which was a blessing, until today anyway. My mom came into my room and started yelling at me for the place being a total mess. Which to be fair it is, it’s a big ole depression pit and it’s not nice to be around. But still she didn’t have to yell at me about it? Even as she was yelling about me never cleaning, I didn’t say anything because what the hell was I supposed to say? “Yeah it is a mess mom” or “wow you do have eyes good for you.” And you know what?? She literally yelled at me for NOT saying anything, I guess she thought I was ignoring her or something??? Like why would I want to look at you when you’re screaming your head off. I don’t know how to please her sometimes. If I say anything I’m back talking, if I DON'T talk then I’m ignoring her. Ugh._

_Sorry for the rant. Are your parents like this? I hope not, really I just hope you’re happy._

_Anyways back to the stars, I just kind of walked out as soon as she finished yelling at me. She’s probably going to yell at me for leaving but I just needed some air. The stars are really the best part of this town. But I still can’t wait to get out. Will I meet you out here under the moonlight? If I do then I hope that doesn't mean you’re a creep, maybe you are just a dramatic teen like me._

_Talk to you Soon,_

_Renjun 💫❤️_

——

Somehow in just the course of a few months, Renjun found himself growing closer to Yangyang. And if he’s being honest with himself, he’s not sure how on earth it even happened.

At first he was his normal anti social self, responding to Yangyang’s texts (because he wasn’t rude) with short clipped answers. But it didn’t seem to work, the guy just kept texting him, throwing out an array of topics to try and lure him in. Of course he brought up art, and as many people know, Renjun can’t shut up about it. He always has to put his two cents in on the matter, so when he was prompted, he immediately took the bait, knowing that it was bait.

Then ever since that interaction, he decided to drop the act and just type normally. Though it wasn’t as laidback as when he texted Donghyuck, as he knew the limits of what he could and couldn’t say with him. 

It was seriously weird how natural it felt to just talk. They both found out that they had a lowkey interest in music. Though for Renjun it was mainly singing and for Yangyang it was a little bit of everything. It was a common joke between the two that were going to form a musical duo and take over the industry. Of course they were both too committed to their actual dreams to actually do it.

Regardless they texted almost nonstop, to the point that Donghyuck was convinced that he actually had gotten a boyfriend. Which would never happen and even if he did he would legally have to tell Hyuck or else face certain death. 

  
  


One afternoon Yangyang had casually asked Renjun via text to come spend a day with him and do some shopping. The ‘no’ was on the tip of his fingers, but it somehow turned into a yes. Maybe it was his subconscious craving human contact that wasn’t from his normal three friends.

That one yes turned into many more yeses over the upcoming weeks, and if Renjun was honest, it was probably the most he’d gone out in his entire life. Of course, all of these outings drained Renjun’s social battery like nothing else, and the next offer to go out had him begging to stay inside and do something. Well, not actual begging, more like a snap of, “we’re staying in.”

It was a good thing that Donghyuck wasn’t at the dorm because he would’ve completely clowned Renjun’s awkward behavior. But who could blame him, very rarely did he have to shove him and someone else into his twin bed. He was going to initially offer sitting on the floor, but the thought of having to do that for the length of an entire movie made his bones preemptively ache. 

So they ended up being two peas in a pod, and Renjun could swear he was going to pass out from nerves. Luckily Yangyang was being so chill about it, like it was normal, that it made Renjun calm down. Maybe this literally was how Yangyang acted with all his friends? Cuddling between him and Donghyuck was norma,l so maybe it worked like that for other people too. 

After that, they had regular movie nights, though Renjun only invited the other over when he knew that his roommate wouldn’t be home. His soul could not handle the bullying and cooing that Donghyuck would absolutely do.

Which brought him to his situation right now.

“What do you mean you can’t come over?” Renjun frowned.

 _“Aw Junnie, I can hear you pouting through the phone!”_ Yangyang chuckled, “ _But yeah, I’m not in town right now, I thought I told you that the last time I was over?”_

Ah. The last time he was over. Something that Renjun blocked from his mind because it made him realize things he didn’t want to realize.

It had started like any other normal movie night, them chilling and talking about whatever as they semi pay attention to the film that was picked. They went in phases, first keeping their eyes glued to the story line and then switching over to chatting. Of course the cycle repeated who knows how many times. Currently they were in silence, watching as one of the characters in the action movie Yangyang picked got stabbed for being on the bad guys side. 

_Eventually Yangyang spoke up after a brief pause to listen to the onscreen characters, “Oh Junnie just so you know I’m not going to be here from Thursday to Sunday. And I know you are busy all day Monday and Wednesday…”_

_As Renjun turned to listen, the younger’s voice faded out for some reason, though his mouth moving meant he was clearly still talking about… whatever it was he was talking about. Time slowed just the littlest bit, and his eyes tracked every movement Yangyang made that he was able to see in the dimly lit room, as the laptop was their only source of light._

_His own mouth also started moving and he realized as it was happening that he was interrupting his friend, “You... remember my schedule?” The way he asked sounded a bit surprised but also a bit dazed. It seemed that way to him anyway, and he really hoped that it didn’t actually sound like he was out of it in some way._

_“Uh yeah? We’ve been hanging out a lot lately so it’s easy for me to memorize it,” Yangyang chuckled, turning his face to look at Renjun only to see him staring already, “Why are you looking at me like that.”_

_Renjun snorted and regained some of his ability to speak, “Shut up, I know you want me to say that “because you’re beautiful” line from The Fault in Our Stars or whatever movie it was.” Even as he and Yangyang laughed in the moment, Renjun couldn’t stop his heart from squeezing in his chest and an overwhelming feeling of fondness washed over him._

Even back in current times Renjun could help the momentness of softness he had. At one point when Yangyang was annoying the shit out of him and he literally put him in a chokehold, he had that same feeling in him. Honestly he couldn’t tell if it was a simple “ah I love my good friend” or “oh **_god_ **I love love my good friend.”

Which is what led Renjun to just block the event out and as Elsa once said “conceal don’t feel”, but it wasn’t really working. 

“Yeah I remember. So what am I supposed to do now?” Renjun huffed, he was so used to movie night, that he had no other plans. 

It was a Thursday night but he might be able to hang out with Jeno or Jaemin? They usually had something going on that they would constantly try and get Renjun to attend to. 

_“Have a nice time laying in bed and watching a movie in my honor. Maybe I’ll call you later tonight to check on you.”_

That statement made a shot of _something_ go through Renjun, but he purposefully didn’t think too much into it. 

“You should, you need to know what movie I end up picking!”

  
  


“You’re thinking awfully loud over there. The room is getting filled with smoke, the RA is gonna think we’re hot boxing or something,” Donghyuck said with a cackled, causing Renjun to fix him with the harshest glare. Though it was something they were both used to.

“I’m not thinking about anything, fuck off.”

“No thoughts, head empty. That’s you,” Donghyuck continued, “seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look this worked up. You know you can tell me anything!”

Renjun rolled his eyes, shaking his head, “you’re just going to clown me.”

“I mean yeah, but it’s because I love you~”

The Chinese boy snorted, but there was a small smile appearing on his face, “You’re a pain in the ass…” a moment of silence, “ugh fine. I think- I think I might have a crush on someone?”

Donghyuck shot up and practically launched himself out of bed, nearly breaking his ankle while he was at it. In only a few seconds he was on Renjun’s bed and up into his personal space, “ _You_ have a crush on someone!? I didn’t think it was possible! I’ve known you since we first got to uni and never once have you talked about having romantic feelings for someone! I honestly thought you were aromantic, which would’ve been fine, no judgement here but-”

“Hyuck, shut up. It’s not a big deal, I’ve had crushes before, I just know that nothing will ever come from them so I just ignore it,” Renjun huffed, a bit annoyed but mostly just embarrassed.

“Whatever! Who do you have a crush- wait I know exactly who it is!”

“Please don’t say it.”

“You like Yangyang don’t you Junnie~”

“And you said it.”

The thing is, he knew he liked Yangyang. It was the only way to explain the feeling he got whenever he was around him. What Renjun wasn’t sure of was just how into Yangyang was he? Was he only into him because he was nice and gave him the time of day? That couldn’t be it because Donghyuck hung out with him and cuddled him all the time and Renjun definitely wasn’t crushing on him.

His head was a mess, but no one said he had to sort through all of this stuff right now. These kinds of things take time, right?

“It’s okay that you like him you know, maybe you should shoot your shot?” Donghyuck suggested, voice softer than it usually was. He was good like that, knowing when to tease and when to dial it back.

“Yeah that’s not happening. Unless he confesses first I’m not saying anything.”

“Ren-”

Before Hyuck could say anymore, Renjun’s phone started buzzing rapidly by his thigh. Both of their eyes locked onto the caller ID: **_‘Yangie_ ** **🐑✨** ** _’._**

“Fuck you,” Renjun said and snatched the phone before his roommate could, “Hello Yangyang.”

“You got lucky bitch, not next time,” Donghyuck hissed, slinking back to his bed.

_“Was that Hyuck? What’s going on over there?”_

“Don’t worry about it, want me to tell you about the movie I picked?”

——

_Dear Future Beloved,_

_Today’s not a good day. I feel like I say this a lot but I dunno._

_I don’t even really feel like talking about it, well I guess you would say typing about it. Haha. Either way, I just embarrassed myself really badly in front of my crush and I’ve never wanted to get sucked into the voids of hell more. Two things can happen at the point of you reading this part: either this is about you (doubt it) or you have to listen to me talk about someone else. Don’t get jealous (doubt it) I clearly chose you over them._

_Anyway, I just somehow tripped over my leg while lowkey staring at said crush and somehow tripped and fell into them. Just knocking them down and nearly breaking their nose. I’m pretty sure they hate me now but enough about that situation._

_I’m just going to block it out of my memory and pretend it never happened at all. Thank god this is my last year of high school because I just can’t take seeing them anymore because I’ll just end up thinking about this incident. agahajjajsdns ughhhhshsb. Sorry I needed to scream lol. I think I’m gonna go watch a movie or show, not sure what but meh anything will do. Can’t wait for the day we get to just have movie night or show bingeing days. Holding out until then._

_Talk to you Soon,_

_Renjun 📺❤️_

——

“Renjun please think about saying something to him, this is literally causing you pain. Like it’s not even fun to watch anymore,” Donghyuck pleaded, looking genuinely upset.

“I literally want to, but I’m a fucking coward!” Renjun shouted back, shoving his face into his pillow for a moment before pulling it back out, “Like what if I tell him and he ends up hating me or something?”

“Listen if he hates you then he’s a bitch!” Donghyuck spat, ignoring Renjun frowning at him for calling Yangyang a bitch, “No seriously, if he can’t get over it then that’s his deal. Plus, the semester is almost over, so if it goes south then you won’t see him until summer is over.”

That was a good point. 

“Wait, but what if it goes well? Then I won’t see him till summer is over!”

The younger rolled his eyes, “I’m sure you can schedule visits, now stop being dramatic. That’s my gimmick,” He cleared his throat before continuing, “so.... are you going to do it?”

“I…” Renjun groaned, the many pros and cons floating through his head over and over again. Yangyang could either end up hating him, or potentially liking him back. If he didn’t tell him he would be stuck with this secret, and if he did tell him at least he’d have this weight off his chest. It had been many months since this crush first started growing and it was getting a bit out of hand. “I- I guess? Fuck it, I guess we’re doing this. Shit, am I really going to do this?”

Donghyuck looked positively giddy, “Yes you are! You already said it so you can’t take it back, you better call him over here right now before I do it.”

“I have to do it right now?! I haven’t prepared myself at all!”

“We all know if you don’t do it right now that you’ll just end up going right back into pretending it doesn’t exist like you were doing before,” Hyuck reminded. 

“A pain. You are the world's biggest pain,” Renjun grumbled, but pulled out his phone.

_Hey_

_Can you come over ASAP?_

**_Yangie_ ** **🐑✨**

_is something up??_

**_Yangie_ ** **🐑✨**

_but ye i’ll be over in like five mins_

_Uhhh yes and no??_

_I really don’t wanna get into it via text_

_Lmk when you are in the building_

**_Yangie_ ** **🐑✨**

_okay..._

  
  


“Oh god, I did it, I’m going to shit my pants.”

Donghyuck gagged and shook his head, “That’s nasty as hell, please don’t.”

“Hyuck I’m going to scream, throw up, and cry why did I ask him to come over!?” Renjun inhaled sharply, anxiety creeping into him. It felt like there were ants crawling just underneath his skin, and they wouldn’t leave him alone.

“Junnie, it’s okay, do you want me to come over there?” Donghyuck asked carefully.

“No, I just am going to bury myself under the blanket and watch a YouTube video and hope I don’t hyperventilate and die,” the way he said it was so nonchalaunt that it almost seemed like nothing was wrong. Though the way his voice was slightly higher pitched than usual was all Donghyuck needed to tell that something was in fact, wrong.

He didn’t even say anything as he left his bed and went over to Renjun’s, where he crawled in and cuddled close. Giving his friend light head pats and soft whispers. All seemed to calm down for a few minutes until a phone pinged with a message and the sound seemed to work Renjun up all over again.

“Fuck he’s here. What am I even going to say?”

Donghyuck gave him another few pats, “Just say how you feel honey, there’s no use in beating around the bush. I’m going to leave, but whenever you want me to come back just text me okay?”

“Okay,” he inhaled deeply, though he nearly choked on his own spit when he heard a knock on the door, “shit.”

It was up to Donghyuck to go and answer said door, it was a given seeing as he was heading out anyway. As Renjun watched his roommate leave, he saw him and Yangyang whisper to each other, though he couldn’t hear what was said. 

“Hey Junnie,” Yangyang walked further into the room and stood there for a moment before deciding to sit in Renjun’s desk chair, “what's wrong?”

“I have something to tell you, obviously. And I’m really fucking nervous about it so sorry if I get snappy,” Renjun apologized right away, “Is it alright if I just say it? Like I don’t want to build this up anymore, and if I don’t say it now I just won’t ever say it.”

For once there wasn’t any of Yangyang’s normal goofy personality shining through, just pure concern. He didn’t even speak his acknowledgment, just quickly nodding instead. 

Renjun’s heart was beating harder than it ever had before and even though he wasn’t going to sugar coat things, he very much wanted to. There had to be a better way to soften the blow while still getting his point across. Of course he wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t just charge into things with his usual bluntness and this time was no exception. So with a deep breath, he just let his words flow, “Yangyang, I like you. More than I’ve liked anyone else I think. I’m talking about wanting to actually kiss you and go on dates and whatnot. It’s… cool if you don’t see me that way but I really just needed to get this off my chest for the sake of my own mental health. And I’m not sorry for that.” The entire time he was speaking, Renjun was looking anywhere but at his friend, he knew the chances of him quitting mid sentence were likely if he looked at him. His voice to him seemed a tiny bit shaky but he wasn’t sure if it was actually noticeable. 

Seconds passed after Renjun stopped speaking with no noise from the other occupant in the room, and it was making him even more nervous. It almost seemed like Yangyang had left without him realizing it, but he was just too scared to check. 

That is, until it was asked of him. 

“Hey, Junnie can you look at me?” Yangyang softly requested, though he didn’t move to force him to look up, “I promise I’m not mad or disgusted or anything like that. We’re all gays here.” A joke to try and make Renjun feel better most likely. 

“You aren’t?”

A loud snort, “How could I be? I was smitten with you since you yelled at me for taking too long in the cafe way back!”

“Well you caught me when I was ha- wait I’m sorry, smitten?!” The words finally registered in Renjun’s mind but he didn’t want to believe they were true. 

“Yeah! I like you too, I have for a while. Literally I thought you were so cute that day in the cafe that I forgot to actually order anything and just left,” Yangyang explained, hand rubbing the back of his head as if he were trying to sooth his own soul of the flashback embarrassment. 

“I’m going to scream, tell me you aren’t joking,” Renjun begged, starring at the other with the biggest and widest eyes. 

“I’m not joking!”

“Say it again.”

“I’m not joking, Junnie! I actually really like you, even when you’re being a grumpy bitch,” Yangyang paused, mostly because he was trying not to laugh at Renjun’s offended face, “I actually like you so much that I want to take you on a date this weekend, _and_ I’ll even pay for the meal~”

This felt like some kind of fever dream but it wasn’t, Yangyang was clearly right in front of him. Completely solid and not some very convincing ghost. 

Yangyang chuckled awkwardly to fill the silence, “Now _you’re_ scaring me man, you don’t have to go if you don’t wanna.”

“No sorry, I do want to go! I was just, taking in the moment? This all doesn’t feel real,” Renjun chuckled back, feeling lighter than he’s ever felt before. 

“It can feel more real if you let me come into your bed and cuddle with you as we make fun of shitty comedians,” he suggested. 

“Wow you know just how to win me over huh?”

Later he would text Donghyuck that everything is fine but to not come back to the dorm for the night. Of course the younger took that the complete wrong way and assumed the two were getting down and dirty, which wasn’t the case. Renjun just didn’t want him to be nosy and listen as they worked out all of their weird feelings in the comfort of the dark and whispers. 

——

_Dear Future Beloved,_

_Can you make life easy for me and just confess first? I’m a chicken shit and I really don’t think I could get the words out. But if you don’t then I’m going to have to find some guts to do it._

_Sorry I don’t have much to say right now, I couldn’t sleep so I’m still awake. It’s like 4 AM and I have to get up in a few hours. My brain is not working so i’m sorry if the grammar is bad._

_This is so annoying, i don’t know why i can’t sleep. My brain is bitch. Maybe thinking about you will settle me so I can finally get some damn REST._

_This is the worst email yet, sorry. Come find me and confess and we can have all the bad late night convos that you want okay?_

_Talk to you Soon,_

_Renjun 💤❤️_

——

Renjun was back home, officially a college graduate. Though he wasn’t sticking around for long, before last semester officially ended, he found a place willing to hire him to work with a team of various people. The section he was working with was specifically for website design, though his job was just going to be logo design as well as creating any other vector art that the client might need. Of course even though he had this gig, he was still going to pursue his own independent art in terms of taking commissions on the side.

Along with that good news, he finally found an apartment that he made the executive decision to share with Yangyang. They’d been friends for two years and dating for a year which seemed like a decent amount of time to wait before living together, right? If he had the choice he’d probably wait longer, but he just couldn’t afford to live on his own, and he really didn’t want to live with his parents anymore. 

“Junnie, more packing and less staring off into space!” Yangyang called, “Listen I love you but I’m not packing all your clothes by myself.”

Renjun jumped as he was knocked out of his thoughts, refocusing back in on his boyfriend was neck deep in piles of his clothes. The two had already sorted out the keep, giveaway, and toss piles the day before. After twenty-two years on this earth he’s accumulated a ton of clothes, and he really does have a tendency to hoard. As proven by the many boxes already packed up, he’d probably need to do a round two on the clothes he wanted to keep when he got to their new apartment.

God that phrase still made him feel all sorts of ways, both excited and incredibly nervous. He very much wanted to live with Yangyang, this boy had been nothing but great to him. Making him laugh, comforting him when he was having one of his really bad days, the whole nine yards. All while never changing his own personality, he was still the same guy he met in his third year of university. Still annoying, but also endearing. Renjun still wanted to choke him out, but with love.

That’s the thing that scared him though, would all of this change once they started living together? Would Yangyang’s personality suddenly take a 180 degree turn? The two had some experience dealing with each other for a prolonged period of time, they’ve stayed over each other’s dorms multiple times. Even going as far as to rent AirBnB’s when their school was on a break and they couldn’t go home thanks to their jobs not wanting to give them time off. So it wasn’t completely new territory. But still, Renjun couldn’t help it when his stupid brain decided to make up rediculous scenarios to work him up.

“Junnie?” 

Oh yeah, he forgot to answer him before.

“Hm?” Renjun blinked rapidly to help clear the fog that was clogging up his brain, “What’s up?”

Yangyang fixed him with a concerned look and hopped over all the stuff on the floor, “are you okay babe? You were zoning out for a bit.”

“Yeah!” he said quickly, obviously a bad choice because it earned him an even more worried look, “no really I am, my brain is just being a stupid bitch.”

“You sure? You want to take a break or something? We can go get something to eat, either real food or each other~,” Yangyang suggested, doing his best to lighten the mood. A very easy thing for him seeing as it was his speciality, even nowadays.

“Shut the hell up,” Renjun snorted, giving the other a playful (but rough) shove with his hand.

The younger faked a groan and clutched his shoulder, “Ow, babe! I think you broke me.”

“Won’t be the first time, or the last. Now can you go tell my mom we’re going out, I don’t need her throwing a fit that we left without telling her, I need to find my wallet in this mess.”

“Why do I have to do it?” Yangyang whined, “you’re mom scares me.”

Renjun turned around from where he was searching his bed for the missing item, “please? I need to find this wallet, I’m not letting you pay for the entire meal like last time.”

“Fine, but for a price. Kiss please!” 

He puckered his lips and made obnoxious kissy noises at Renjun, only stopping when his request was fulfilled. Renjun wrapped his arms loosely around Yangyang’s waist and pecked him gently on the lips once, then twice, and then a third time just for good measure.

“Okay now get out.”

“On it Captain Huang.”

Soon he was gone and Renjun was left alone in his mess of a room, it was nothing new though. It’s always been a mess, but this time he felt it was a good mess. It meant that he was moving on from this little bedroom and moving into a little apartment. Hopefully where he was going to have much more freedom to be himself and thrive.

Anyway, back to more pressing matters. Where the hell did he put his goddamn money?

The bed was a bust, so he moved onto his desk, trying to retrace his steps of everywhere he could’ve left it. No luck was had on top of the desk, but there was a possibility that it could be in one of the drawers. They were open before, only because Renjun was trying to look for a pair of scissors.

There was no harm in just checking, so he pulled out each drawer with absolutely nothing to come from it. Part of him didn’t even want to bother checking the last one, but he did anyway.

“Can you please be in here?” He sighed, crouching down to peer inside.

Almost immediately he noticed his wallet, but there was something in between the two halves that was not supposed to be there. Upon picking it up, he was surprised to see his old phone wedged in there. The ugly case that was on it immediately dated it as the one he used all throughout high school, but swiftly ditched when he went into college. He had been saving up all the money he earned or was given in order to be able to get a new phone, because the one that he had before just wasn’t cutting it anymore.

He stared at the phone, wondering what cringey memories it held, though he didn’t get to dwell on it for too long, as Yangyang thrusted himself back into the room. Causing him to drop the phone on the desk in surprise.

“We’re all good, did you find your wallet?” 

Renjun nodded, “oh yeah. Sorry it took so long.”

“Nah it’s chill, come on though, I’ll drive. I know that you can’t drive well in the rain,” Yangyang snickered.

“You’re lucky you’re not inside of this room right now or I would choke you for that,” Renjun huffed.

“Ooo kinky!”

“Liu Yangyang I swear to god.”

The phone was forgotten for that moment as Renjun leaped over the various messes in order to put his boyfriend into a chokehold.

  
  


“I’m so goddamn tired!” Yangyang groaned, rubbing his eyes harshly.

“Well we ended up getting a lot done if that makes you feel better,” Renjun offered with a shrug.

It was true, his room was cleaner than it's ever been before, and all the boxes that needed to be put in the car were off to the side. Anything that was to be thrown away was already gone, and stuff to donate was taking up the living room. They were going to have to take it to a thrift shop tomorrow, but right now it was late as hell and sleep was in order.

Yangyang looked over to where Renjun was sitting on the floor, “I’m going to take a shower and then die okay?”

“You’re only allowed to do one of those things.”

“Die?”

“Only if it’s by my hands yes,” he nodded.

“Aw and they say romance is dead.” Yangyang said as he put his hand over his heart and fake swooned.

Renjun rolled his eyes, but the small smile on his face was betraying him and showing off his true feelings, “Go shower you smelly clown.”

“And he has a way with words? Wow, I’m dating a poet!”

With that last comment, he was off. Meanwhile Renjun sat there on the floor, wondering what he wanted to do with his time. He also wanted to shower as he felt so damn grimy, so he couldn’t just go to bed now. 

A sigh left his lips as he just looked around his room, when suddenly, his eyes fell onto the old phone that he had left on his desk from earlier. 

Going through that thing was an option, it had literally been four years since he’s last been through it. And he’s definitely changed a lot since then. He’s grown, learned, and matured in more ways than one.

So he heaved himself off of the floor and made his way to the desk. The phone was obviously dead, so he needed to find a spare charger above all else. Which was actually an easy task, seeing as he distinctly remembers carefully wrapping one up and putting it into a box labeled wires under his bed. 

  
  


Wire? Located. Phone? Plugged in. 

Surprisingly it didn’t take long for the thing to juice up enough for him to use it as long as it was still connected to a power source. 

The lock screen was just an aesthetic night sky, nothing too horrible yet. That was, until he unlocked it (no password because he was a fool and still is) and was blinded by the many useless apps he had downloaded. Many of which had dozens of notifications, filling the screen with little red bubbles next to the icon. 

His email app was probably the worst offender of this, having over 12,000 notifications. Something that would not fly if this was the phone that he was currently using, he hated having those stupid red circles on his screen. He often had an overwhelming need to clear them even if he didn’t actually look at what had caused them to pop up. 

Regardless, his finger automatically hit the email button just because he wanted to know which of his abandoned emails was causing the flood. 

**Main 11**

**Sad Hours 2**

**Spam 11,991**

**School 39**

**DFB 0**

As he read through the list, he wasn’t surprised that his old spam email was the one causing the issues. Though he felt a hint of confusion at what the hell the “DFB” email was. His brain was providing no hints, so he just took pity on himself and clicked it. 

Suddenly he was being thrown back into a world that he completely forgot about. More emails than he even remembers writing were staring back at him, each with the headline “Dearest Future Beloved.” A name he is thoroughly regretting because it really was dramatic and not him at all. 

Had he really written this many notes to someone he didn’t even know? 

Another thought struck him, this whole thing was specifically made so that he could show this to whoever he ended up with. For the person he felt like was _the one_. 

The thought of sharing this with Yangyang wasn’t something that he was sure he could do, not yet anyway. It wasn’t that he didn’t love him or didn’t think they were going to last, it’s just… his body was telling him it wasn’t the right time. This account held all of his deepest thoughts and secrets and he didn’t want to hand them out to just anybody. 

Yangyang wasn’t just anybody though. Renjun really did love him, and wanted them to be together for as long as possible. Though maybe it wasn’t him that he was questioning, Yangyang had done a lot for him, so he wasn’t sure why he felt like he needed more proof. He just felt like he needed that extra nudge to prove it, prove that he could be trusted and that they would be together through thick and thin. 

It made him a bit sick and annoyed with himself that he was thinking this way. Why did Yangyang have to do anymore than what he already had? Why couldn’t his stupid ass brain just trust people?

Renjun whined (a sound he’d never admit to) and banged his forehead against his desk. 

There technically was no rush, Renjun could wait as long as he wanted to. It wasn’t like Yangyang knew this account existed and was waiting for it or anything. 

That fact made Renjun’s thoughts slow down a bit. He would wait until he felt ready and that was that, it could be tomorrow, in a month, or even in a year. 

“Okay then that’s what we’ll do,” He said firmly to himself, but his body was still buzzing with all sorts of feelings. 

——

_Dear Future Beloved,_

_It’s my last day in high school and it’s the weirdest feeling I’ve ever had. On one hand I’m so glad that this journey is finally over, but on the other hand a whole new chapter is just beginning. I’m not sure how ready I am for college but I guess we’ll see what happens._

_I’m not sure how often I’ll be able to talk to you then because I’ve heard college is harder than high school, and high school sucked ass. Like yeah I got good grades but that’s because my anxiety would kick my ass if I did worse than a 90. Either way, no matter how often I do or don’t email you, just know that I love you. Distance makes the heart grow stronger or something like that._

_Sorry to cut this short again, the parents are taking me out for graduation dinner to celebrate making it this far. I honestly didn’t think I’d get this far, but I’m glad I did because I haven’t met you yet and it would suck not to get the chance. Enough getting sappy, I don’t want my mom asking me why I’m getting emotional. I can’t say you because well, she’d think I was dumb lmao._

_I keep trying to end this but it isn’t working ugh. GOODBYE. x1728828_

_Talk to you Soon,_

_Renjun 🎓❤️_

——

Today was going to be a less than stellar day. 

Now, Renjun has had plenty of bad days before and functioned just fine, well not really. Internally he was a mess but externally he looked and acted as he normally would, because the last thing he wanted was for people to know that he was not okay.

Today though? Today was something different. The earth must’ve been tilted on its axis more than it should be, because right when he woke up he just felt off. Like his skin wasn’t his skin and he was just someone else taking over this body.

He’s definitely felt this way before, but it had been a hot minute since the last time it happened. The worst part about these episodes is they could last anywhere from an hour to a week or more. And when he gets like this, he just sort of phases through life, not really remembering how he got from one place to another.

So when he woke up feeling this way, he knew his work day wasn’t going to be an easy one. 

When his eyes blinked open and his brain started up, he noticed something, the bed he shared with Yangyang was noticeably missing the Yangyang, which just made him feel a little sour. He purposely woke up ten minutes earlier everyday so he could properly enjoy his morning cuddles before having to act like a real adult. Therefore when he didn’t get that today, he automatically felt worse, which was a dumb reason to feel like that.

Rolling over from his stomach to his side, his hand flailed out to reach for his phone, wanting to at least check his social media. Waking up the device, he noticed a few text messages from his boyfriend that brightened his mood a bit.

 **_Yangie_ ** **🐑❤️**

_babyyyyyyy_

**_Yangie_ ** **🐑❤️**

_i’m sorry i couldn’t be there when you woke up, work called me in early which sucks ass for me too ugh_

**_Yangie_ ** **🐑❤️**

 _n e ways i love you and i’ll see you when i get homeee have a good day at work_ 💖💓💞💕

Renjun smiled slightly at the messages, but they couldn’t take away how bad he was feeling completely. He wished it was that easy, regardless he replied back with some quick texts, just to let him know everything was all good.

From there, he got dressed and everything was fine, his hair was being a bit stubborn but that happened more times than he could count. Though it still left him feeling a little annoyed.

The work day seemed to go by both fast and unbearably slow, at some points one hour felt like one minute and at others it was the opposite. It made him so damn frustrated, and all he wanted to do was go home and lay in bed. However the fact that today’s line up was dealing with a very picky customer, something told him he wouldn’t get home until late.

Speaking of work, his hands weren’t working properly for him either. Well, technically they were working fine, but it felt like they were almost delayed in a way. Like it wasn’t just his tablet that was lagging, but his own body too. When he decided to do one motion, it wasn’t until two seconds later that he did it. Though by that point, he had already made two new motions, so things just ended up looking _wrong_. Drawing was his main job here, and if he couldn’t do that right, then what was even the point of being here? 

After many hours of only finishing a few things, and getting a few simple sketches done, he decided to take a bathroom break. He just needed somewhere more quiet to calm down because if he had to try and remake this line one more time he was either going to cry or snap.

Standing up felt weird, he’s pretty sure that he was sitting on his left leg that entire time, so it was more than numb. That and he still felt as if he was piloting a body that wasn’t his own, and no matter how many times it happened, he still wouldn’t get used to it. 

He tried to casually walk out of the main part of the office in a way that wouldn’t garner any attention. If someone asked him if he was okay, it would definitely open some sort of flood gate.

Usually the walk from his desk to the bathroom took him a minute or two, but this journey felt like it was taking forever. Once he did make it, he whipped the door open and let it slam behind him. Normally he wouldn’t check to see if other people were in here, but this time he really just wanted to have his moment alone. A quick search was conducted but no one was found, so Renjun helped himself to the handicap stall. 

Never would he imagine himself leaning against a (probably dirty) restroom wall, but the solidness of it did wonders for grounding him.

After a moment of just standing there with his eyes closed, he reopened them and reached for his phone in his pocket to check the time.

4:29 PM

The work day was over at 4:30. But how could he leave when he did barely any work? Well he definitely did work, he completed and turned in two other things, but he only did sketches for this third project!

Just as he was about to spiral into debating with himself on staying late or not, his phone vibrated in his hand with a text.

 **_Yangie_ ** **🐑❤️**

_you’re gonna be home at 5 right?? you said yesterday that you wouldn’t stay late so we can have some fat EATS_

Renjun’s brows furrowed, because he really had no memory of saying that.

_When did I say that?_

_Also I might have to stay because I feel like I got no work done today_

Those two responses took way longer than it should’ve to type, his fingers were working on the same delayed timer that his hands were.

**_Yangie_ ** **🐑❤️**

_come home i’m gonna be ordering food and i'm LONELY_

**_Yangie_ ** **🐑❤️**

_i feel it in my bones that you need to come home and relax_

**_Yangie_ ** **🐑❤️**

_you always work too hard, lemme cuddle yo ass and feed you pls_

_Bitch don’t say those soft things to me, you’re gonna make me cry in the office bathroom_

**_Yangie_ ** **🐑❤️**

_are you okay???? do you want me to pick you up???_

**_Yangie_ ** **🐑❤️**

_actually don’t answer i’m omw_

_Stop you don’t have to, I’ll just take the train home like I always do!_

_Yangyang_

_Yangyang???_

_Goddammit_

Renjun took a sharp inhale to try and bring himself back to the here and now. First things first, wash his hands, not just for the hygienics but also because he found that drastic temperatures could help ground him.

He spent a full minute just playing in ice cold water, trying to feel more real. It worked somewhat, giving him enough clarity to go back to his desk and save anywork that he had started on, and shut down his computers. Something about having Yangyang on his way just made him feel a bit more safe. Knowing that, yeah he felt a shit, but at least he wasn’t going to feel like shit alone. He wasn't going to be stuck in this building in the middle of the city forever, he had someone who loved and cared for him on the way. 

Sitting still usually just made him become more dazed, so he passed the time back walking out of the building and down to the lobby. He was stood near the door and just scrolled on his phone, distracting himself by clearing his notifications that had piled up while he was at work. 

Automatically he went to his email to clear the spam, when he did so his eyes landed on _the email._ The ‘Dearest Future Beloved’ one that he put onto his new phone just so he could read through the letters when he was bored. Of course the password was ‘Singlejkunless?2’ which really was terrible. He honestly thought about changing it multiple times, especially if he was going to give this to Yangyang one day. But something stopped him, he made this when he was a kid and the emails he sent were cringey anyways, so he might as well keep everything the same.

Every time he saw the account he got a little bit closer to breaking and just sending his boyfriend the login information. This time was no different, he really wanted to give in. 

How could he not? Especially since Yangyang was dropping whatever he was doing just to come pick him up.

…

Fuck it. He was going to do it. 

Just, not right this second. There needed to be some sort of set up.

  
  


“Thanks for picking me up and all, but do you mind if I take a shower before we eat?” Renjun asked, though he was already halfway to the bathroom.

Yangyang let out a loud laugh, “Nah it’s fine. I’ll order in a little bit so it should be here by the time you get out.”

Renjun was of course notorious for his long ass showers, and he usually hated when people brought it up. Because, no he didn’t want to be in there that long but the hot water just made him think. And before he knows it, an hour has passed, and he looks like a prune. 

Today however, he’s grateful it’s what he’s known for because it’ll help him put his plan into motion. 

“Yeah yeah, you better order my favorites.”

Once he was out of sight, he speed walked the rest of the way to the bathroom and quickly shut and locked the door. He waited a few minutes before turning the shower on so it would seem like he was stripping his clothes like normal. When he turned the water on, he sunk down with his back to the door and took his phone out once again.

He did something he hadn’t done in many years and opened up a blank email for his _DFB_ account. Writing something that he considered short but effective, something similar to what he would’ve written back then. But just as him now.

It took him a bit to get the wording right, and he groaned because there was so much he wanted to say in this message. Obviously he couldn’t write everything, but he figured if he and Yangyang were going to be together for a while that he would have enough time to say it all outloud to him. 

Wrapping it up, he did his signature closing line and hit send. 

As dramatic as it sounded, it was time.

_  
Hey_

_Do me a favor?_

**_Yangie_ ** **🐑❤️**

_sure, what’s up? did you forget underwear again lol_

_Can you log into this email for me and start reading from_ _the oldest email to the most recent?_

 _Obviously there’s a lot so you don’t have to read it all,_ _but you’ll get the idea of what it is_

**_Yangie_ ** **🐑❤️**

_sure?????_

  
  


Minutes passed and passed, and Renjun was getting slightly nervous. 

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, it wasn’t even that loud but it still made him startle slightly. He scrambled away from the door and stood up, taking the deepest breath to steel his nerves before he opened the door. 

Once facing Yangyang, he noticed the other’s eyes were watering just a bit. But before he could even open his mouth to say anything, he was pulled into a bone crushing hug.

“I love you, you sappy ass bitch,” Yangyang said, voice wobbling but mostly muffled thanks to his mouth being pressed against the elder man’s shoulder. 

Renjun chuckled softly but hugged him back just as hard, “I think you’re the one being sappy right now…”

——

_Dear Current Beloved,_

_When I first started this email account, I had a hope that I would find somebody to call mine. And I did._

_Did I think it would be you? Someone who annoys me to no end, leaves laundry on the floor, and always makes me do the dishes? No I didn’t. However, it is you, because with as many negatives as you have, you also have a ton of positives._

_Like, you take care of me when I just can’t deal with the weight of adult life anymore. You make me want to keep going and realize that I’m important and I make a difference. You make me laugh with your stupid ass jokes that really have no right being even a little bit funny but are. You support me in everything that I do, even if you really shouldn’t. Yes I’m specifically talking about that time when I casually mentioned that I wanted to paint on a canvas as big as our wall and you told me, and I quote, “do it pussy.” And so I did._

_Really I could go on and on with the things that make me happy that we’re together but it would get too long. Also your ego would get far too big and none of us want that. Not to mention you are the biggest blabbermouth, and I’m expecting our entire friend group to know about this account soon. But I swear to god if you show them anything that I wrote, we are getting a divorce, even if we aren’t actually married yet. Can I marry you just to divorce you right after? Maybe not, I would put too much planning into our wedding just for it to all be for nothing..._

_Anyways. Let’s wrap this thing up before I start getting too mushy. Is this letter any better than the ones I wrote back then or no? Listen I was an art major and not a writing major for a reason okay?_

_When I leave this bathroom I hope you don’t hate me or think I’m weird for this whole account. I love you, and hope the food gets here soon because my stomach is eating itself. Guess none of this will be relevant by the time you read this but whatever._

_Talk to you Soon,_

_Renjun_ 🐑❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, lmk what you thought and smash that kudos button 💕
> 
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> 


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